The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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