I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
