I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
