All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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