Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
