Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
