Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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