i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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