Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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