My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
