He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
