The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
