it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
