Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
