Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
