This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
