i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
