I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
