a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
