So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
