OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
