remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
