Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
