it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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