you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
