No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
