I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
