I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
