This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
