first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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