and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
