After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
