I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
