i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
