i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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