Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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