Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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