Dual....:-)
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize