My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
