capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
