What did we do last night that was yellow?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
