i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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