I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
