I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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