I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
