Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
