So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
