Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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