he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
