Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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