guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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