I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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