So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
