is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
