Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
