The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
