my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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