i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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