How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
