an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish they made helmets for livers.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
being pregnant is like rehab
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
